Nothing better illustrates the impact of baby loss than seeing a mother who, after losing a stillborn baby fifty years ago, becomes overcome with emotion when talking about her baby’s life. This woman has nine living children, forty-one grandchildren and five great-grandchildren; However, the pain she felt many years ago is still very evident. Losing a baby is a life-changing event, as is the birth of a healthy baby.
Although the pain may be intense and despair may seem inevitable, those who lose their babies do not need to be subject to a life of hopelessness. Through the Gospel of Jesus Christ, a loving support system, and some techniques to help deal with grief, pain can help bring relief and find peace.
Get cocky.
Allow yourself any luxury you can, you deserve it. Buy a new outfit, go out to dinner or see a movie, spend time alone; do whatever makes you happy. Remember that taking care of yourself does not mean that you have forgotten your baby, it is a way of coping with the situation.
Make sure you have a regular physical exam. Some doctors believe that parents who have experienced emotional trauma have a higher than average risk of illness.
Find a strong, loving support system.
Family and friends can be a great source of comfort during a difficult time. However, it also helps to talk to people who have been through the same type of tragedy and who have experienced similar emotions and challenges as you. Through professional or hospital help, seek support groups and, if you wish, appropriate counseling.
Trust yourself and your judgment.
When a baby dies, there are several decisions that must be made. Some women feel they are being strange if they want to see and hold their baby after her death; However, health professionals are now realizing the importance of this time between parents and their children.
Experts say parents’ thoughts and fears about what the baby will look like are often much worse than reality. Parents are also encouraged to take photos and keep the baby with them for a while in their room. In some cases, there are issues with the burial and memorial service that must be handled. Do those things that you think are appropriate, and don’t worry about looking strange. Your pain is yours alone, and only you know how to handle it.
A woman who lost a baby at birth remembers: “My husband and I went to the hospital to dress the baby for the funeral even though everyone told us not to. I admit that sometimes it’s hard for me to think about it, but I’m so glad I did it.”
Accept each stage of grief.
Instead of fighting the emotions that accompany grief, go through these stages willingly and realize that by doing so you will manage your grief more easily. Many people feel guilty for being angry or depressed, but remember, Those emotions are completely normal.
At a friend’s funeral, a woman who had previously lost a baby was shocked when a speaker said there was no reason to cry because of her religious beliefs. She shared, “I believe in the Gospel and it is a great comfort to me, but I was still hurting so much that I didn’t know what to do. “It didn’t matter where my baby was in the afterlife, the fact was she wasn’t with me.”
Many people interpret pain and despair as a lack of faith in our Heavenly Father and the Gospel. Remember that no matter how faithful you are to the Gospel, Death hurts, and the grieving process is necessary in order to find joy in life again.
Give your baby a name.
Many people find comfort in naming their baby, regardless of their gestational age. By doing so, you are showing that your baby was a real person and has the right to recognition.
Write a letter to your baby.
It can be very therapeutic to write all your feelings in a letter to your baby. What would you like him to know? What would you say to him if he were here?
Visualize yourself giving your baby to Christ.
This may seem unusual, but many women have found peace in imagining themselves placing their babies in the arms of the Savior. This mental exercise seems to remove some of the fear of death and gives comforting assurance to the parents that the baby is in good hands until they are together again.
Treasure the memories of your pregnancy and your baby.
Try to remember the happy moments of your pregnancy and the positive and loving feelings you have for your child. As mentioned above, some women struggle with the question of whether the baby existed. Even when a baby is lost through the birth of a stillborn child or who dies at birth, a devotional service is performed, the child’s brief life may seem like a blur to many parents, but It becomes very important for them to have proof that their baby really existed, and to focus on the happiest memories..
As one mother explained: “We all find it very important to ‘gather evidence’ to prove our child’s existence and the impact he had on our lives. Whether that means completing a baby album for the child who is lost, writing poetry for the baby, or retaining memories of the hospital, it is important to let others know that this was a child who was lost.”
A woman who had a stillborn daughter kept a special box containing mementos from her daughter’s birth. In the box was the hat that was put on the baby after her birth, the corner of the blanket that she had in the hospital and later with which she was buried, and the images that the hospital took of her.
One mother shared: “I thought it was morbid and disgusting when a friend of mine had a stillborn baby and showed the picture of her baby. But that’s exactly what I’m going to do with my son’s photos. He is as important to me as my other children, and not a mere memory that I would like to forget.”
After her miscarriage, a woman prepared a special book containing words she had written, including a letter to her baby, ultrasound images, and other special images and thoughts she had collected that were a great help to her. That mother said: “This was the most significant experience of my life and I want to remember it in a positive way and remind my baby of something.”
Other women find comfort in planting a tree or flower to commemorate their baby, or having their baby’s birthstone set in jewelry they can wear. Finally, one woman explained the need to select a headstone for the grave of her deceased daughter: “It’s the last thing I can do for my daughter. I have to have that tombstone.”
Put an obituary in the newspaper.
This is a statement to the world that your baby lived and died, and that his or her life was and is important to you.
Keep a personal diary.
Many people find it helpful to record their feelings in a journal. People often feel uncomfortable telling others all their thoughts and feelings, and writing them down is a great way to express them.
It is important that resisters be honest and not try to be “superficial.” This is the only way difficult emotions and problems can be resolved. A personal diary can also be useful after the crisis is over. It can be surprising and rewarding to see your progress since you started writing.
Seek spiritual guidance
If you have doctrinal or spiritual questions or need comfort, seek out helpful books or talks from Prophets or other Church leaders. If you need more specific help for your individual situation, seek advice from your bishop.
Welcome the blessings of the priesthood.
Priesthood blessings can provide peace, comfort, and direction. Blessings can also give the baby’s father a tangible way to help.
Whenever possible, postpone making important decisions.
Decisions such as a change of job or residence are best made when you have had enough time to work through your grief. Hasty decisions made in moments of deep grief can be problematic later.
Try to be patient with others.
Remember that people deal with grief differently, and many people will not react the way you expect. Others may make insensitive comments that may even seem cruel. It’s unfortunate that in a crisis parents have to deal with the insensitivity of others, but most people don’t want to be hurtful.
One way to ease uncomfortable feelings toward others is to be honest with them about how you feel and gently tell them when they hurt you. By being open, you not only take a step toward resolving your relationships with others, but you can help educate society about the tragedy of losing a baby.
Help other women.
After experiencing something as traumatic as losing your baby, you are especially prepared to take your wisdom and help others in a similar situation.
A woman who lost a baby years ago visits her daughter’s grave only occasionally, but she has not forgotten her. She takes every opportunity to talk about your experience, inform others, and help other women who have lost a baby. By doing so, she believes you are symbolically “putting flowers on your baby’s grave.”
Believe in Christ.
Perhaps the best tool we have to help us conquer our trials is the Savior Himself. When in the midst of despair, we can lean on the scripture in Proverbs: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
If the darkness seems to be all-encompassing, perhaps the only recourse available is to simply trust in the Lord. Trust that He is the one who is guiding our lives in the path He sees fit., perhaps a path that we agreed to follow some time ago, perhaps it is a path chosen by these babies so that they can fulfill their own special missions. Someday we will know the truth and the full picture of the Lord’s eternal plan for us; Until then, you can’t let bitterness ruin the beauty of the lives of these pure and innocent babies.
If we continue to communicate with the Lord through prayer, seeking His wisdom through the scriptures, and heeding the words of the Prophet and other current leaders, we will find peace. He will not abandon us if we seriously turn to Him and allow ourselves to be surrounded by His loving arms.
This article was originally written by Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer and is an excerpt from the book “Gone Too Soon” and was published by ldsliving.com under the title: “16 Ways to Find Peace After…