Courtship is a stage of life that, in one way or another, must be passed through by those who pursue marriage. Although the Bible does not give specific instructions for a dating relationship, it does give us moral guidelines and divine wisdom to manage us in this stage. And although there are no accounts of dating relationships as we see it today, we are told stories of people engaged in marriage.
In this sense, the verse of Revelation 19:7 where we are told of a “bride” who will become a “wife” really catches my attention. The verse says: “Let us rejoice and be glad, and let us give Him the glory, because the marriage of the Lamb has come and his bride has prepared herself.”. It is worth clarifying that the main interpretation that we must give to this passage must be within its context, and we know that the book of Revelation is a prophetic book, so we can say that here the Word is telling us about the future wedding of Christ and church. However, I think this verse teaches us something about how God views the bride and groom relationship, and allows us to apply it to a dating relationship.
In this sense, the part that catches my attention is the one that says “and his wife has prepared herself.” Starting from this sentence, I dare to define courtship in a simple way. Courtship is a time of preparation that precedes the wedding. From there, then, we could ask ourselves how is it that the couple –and in this particular case, the bride– should prepare? I personally think that preparation implies, among other things, observation. The bride watches the groom, and the bride watches herself.
The bride watches the groom
Observe the boyfriend, because before taking that definitive step that will lead you to unite your life with this person until death do you part, you must have observed if your boyfriend has the characteristics that you consider essential (not all the characteristics that you would like him to have). had, but those things that are non-negotiable). If you don’t know which features should be on your list, here are some examples:
- A man with a personal relationship with God.
- A man who pushes you and motivates you to grow spiritually.
- A man who manages his time and finances well.
- A man who has clear relational boundaries with others (family, friends and the opposite sex).
Those are just what a pious man should have and we could stop and elaborate on each of them, but I would like to expand on the following point.
The bride observes herself
The bride is like a gift given to the groom on the wedding day. That gift should bring the recipient happiness and satisfaction. When we give a gift, we take the time to find and prepare it. The Word of God reminds us women that our adornment should be “the inner self”, that is, an inner beauty that requires effort and dedication to obtain. For this reason, in this time of preparation that is the engagement, the bride must observe herself and ask, as the psalmist asked, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my concerns. And see if there is an evil way in me, and guide me in the way everlasting”, Psalm 139:23-24. Search your heart, identify the areas of your Christian character to work on, and embark on the search for sanctification in order to arrive at marriage “prepared”.
Here are some of the things the bride should pay attention to in herself:
His devotion to God: It’s so easy to put the groom on the throne and take God away. This happens when we lose focus and, as one author said, we begin to worship the creature more than the Creator. Who is on the throne, your boyfriend or God? This is a diagnostic question, and to find out the answer you could ask yourself: who are you trying to please more, your boyfriend or God? Which opinion matters most to you? What brings you greater joy: the gospel or your dating relationship? When God becomes the center of your life and you seek to please Him more than anyone else, then you can say that God is on the throne.
How mature is your character: We are not perfect, and on this earth we will not achieve total sanctification. But the Christian is in a process of sanctification that should not stop and that entails constant work to perfect the weaknesses that emerge in our walk. The Christian goes from “glory to glory”, and there is no doubt that the dating relationship will bring up some weaknesses in your character. In that sense, ask yourself:
- How is my own domain? One of the areas that is most tested in courtship is self-control in relation to sexual integrity. Courtship is a stage where physical intimacy becomes closer, since that man who was my friend is now my boyfriend and it is understood that there are physical expressions that are now allowed. A woman who exercises self-control will choose to please God instead of indulging her sinful impulses, and she will be patient in waiting for marriage to enjoy the gift of sexuality.
- How selfish am I? In this pre-marriage stage you have to share your time with another person. Every good interpersonal relationship consists not only in receiving but also in giving, and in this case what we give is our time, and many times we also give in to some desires. Ask yourself, am I going to some extreme, ie do I want all of my boyfriend’s time for me or do I not want to give of my time to him? How tolerant am I of differences in tastes and preferences?
How much have you assimilated your biblical role as a woman: Courtship exposes me to the relationship where we are practicing the relationship of the man as the head and the woman as the ideal help; And in practice this means that the man is the one who leads and the woman submits to that leadership and seeks to help him. Even if you don’t owe your boyfriend total submission at this stage, courtship helps you practice submission and reveals how easy or difficult it will be to do so with your future husband.
danger signs
Courtship is a period of preparation that requires observation, but many times love and the desire to not be alone cloud our understanding and prevent us from seeing areas of danger that may be present in the relationship. That is why I would like to list some of the danger areas that an engaged couple could face:
- Absence of spiritual and emotional growth. It is important to observe that my sanctification process, upon entering courtship, should not stop, much less decrease, quite the opposite. This new stage that I am studying should make me grow as a Christian and as a woman. Could you say that you are a better Christian because of your boyfriend?
- Growth in the knowledge of the feelings and the way of thinking of one and the other. What are we talking about? Do we talk about ourselves, how we feel and our relationship with God? Or do we spend the time we share together on day-to-day trivialities? Could you say that every day you know more about your boyfriend’s personality, feelings and way of thinking and he knows you more?
- Understanding of commitment. The dating relationship is a reflection of the commitment that person is acquiring with the other. Although courtship is not a marriage, there is a fidelity and “exclusivity” agreement that must exist on both sides. Do you see signs of commitment and fidelity between you? Do you think that both of you could wisely handle distances and emotional and physical limits with others in the future?
We could list many more, but the synthesis at this point is to observe how prepared you are or how much you have to mature. If you are in one, it is because you have embarked on the search to confirm if that person has the essential qualities to marry him, because otherwise you would be wasting your time badly. Now, do you have the necessary qualities? The virtues of a wife do not come as if by magic on the wedding day. It is not a package that is handed to you and you put it on and now you have the qualities of a godly wife. No: those qualities must be cultivated prior to marriage and applied in the marriage. Ask God for wisdom and remember, that He makes everything beautiful in his time (Ecclesiastes. 3:11). In the end, the purpose of courtship is to prepare us for marriage, and the purpose of marriage is to point to the relationship between Christ and his church (Eph. 5:23-32). So remember that even your courtship is not about you!
photo taken from