We all care about the theme of love. God designed us for community, particularly the community between husband and wife, cp. Gen 2:18). Also, our culture is saturated with “love”: We see it in the cartoons babies watch, in TV commercials, novels and movies, and there is even a “Love and Friendship Day”.
Christians are not immune to these onslaughts of lovers and falling in love and dating and courtship. But a quick reading of the Bible will let us see that, although God talks a lot about love, He talks little or nothing about courtship. So how should we Christians think about Christian dating? Does such a thing exist? How is it different from marriage or friendship? How can I glorify God in my courtship?
I think these are valid questions, and I’d like to help answer them. I do not speak as the final authority on the subject, but I have seen very little written in Spanish with a gospel-centered perspective. If it also works for you, here below I leave you a talk that I shared with the Youth group of our church (The IBI) on this same topic.
Without further ado: let’s get started!
-
You don’t need a partner
The first thing to say is something surprisingly countercultural: You don’t “need” a partner. Yes: “it is not good for a man to be alone”, but being single is not the same as being alone.
Think about this: Christ was never married, did he lack something? He was no less of a man just for never having entered into a relationship with a woman. Neither are you if you’ve never been in a relationship of this kind, whether you’re in your 20s or 60.
In addition, we find that 1 Corinthians 7 tells us that in certain circumstances, it is “good for a man not to touch a woman.” God has given many of his sons and daughters the so-called gift of continence, which manifests itself, not in a lack of desire to enter into a loving relationship, but in being able to surrender that desire to the Lord and be satisfied with what He gives.
Adding to this, note these words of the Lord Jesus:
The disciples told him: “If this is the relationship of a man with his wife, it is not convenient to marry.” Jesus told them: “Not everyone can accept this precept, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born like this from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. Whoever can accept this, let him accept it.” Matthew 19:10-12
Referring to the eunuchs, who could not consummate the marriage, the Lord says that there is a group to whom it was given to understand the weight of marriage, and they have understood that it is not their calling. Those who can accept this can understand that being single is good and enjoyable for them. And that is the reality for every believer that he is not married. The Lord has given us everything we need for the moment where we are. If we feel lonely, empty, spiritually stagnant… none of that will change by starting a courtship. You don’t “need” a partner, not really. You do need intimacy with the Lord.
Yes: marriage grants the intimacy that takes away loneliness. But we also find intimacy in deep and true friendships. And in deep closeness with God. Certainly starting a dating relationship gives a certain “high”, where you feel sky-high for a while, and even makes you want to do your devotions earlier and always pray (for him or her, mainly). But the Christian life is not lived in the clouds, nor based on emotions. Therefore, there are areas of your life that must be ready or being worked on before you become emotionally involved with who you hope will be your future husband or wife.
2. The purpose of Courtship
That said, it’s good to want a partner! As we said at the beginning, it is a sign that we were created not to be alone. “He who finds a wife finds something good, and he obtains favor from the LORD” (Prov. 18:22). It is a blessing to get married. But marriage and courtship is not the same.
Legally, a couple in a courtship is still an unmarried couple. In the same way it is before the Lord: the night before the marriage, if the couple has sexual relations, they commit a horrendous sin before God. The night after, do something honorable and blessed for Him.
The fact that there is no time in the Word like the one we speak of “boyfriends” today should lead us to pause. We do not love the world nor are we guided by what the world teaches. I firmly believe in light of Scripture that the purpose of courtship is preparation for marriage. There is no other. That preparation involves at least three things:
- Meet the couple. No matter how intense and extensive a friendship is, there are things that are only known when one begins a love relationship. Since marriage is for life (Mt. 19:3-12), we must know in the most pious and deepest way (in the stage where we are) that person with whom we will unite in holy matrimony.
- Meet you in the couple. The “know yourself” applies here. Since we are best known and sharpened by the people closest to us, by entering a courtship we can learn the areas of our character that need to be shaped before entering into a lifelong relationship. For this, it is important to have the advice of pious people who, from outside the relationship, can speak to the couple and let them see what they are seeing that needs to be taken to the cross to find forgiveness and transformation.
- Prepare everything for the wedding. A wedding takes a lot of planning. And that is only the beginning. Courtship is the ideal time to make arrangements for where to live, make the weekly and monthly budget, organize the ministries in the church (and if they are from two different churches, decide which church to be in), observe and adapt the family dynamics with the extended family, and so many other things that need to be decided and presented to the Lord before marriage.
3. Before a courtship
Perhaps the first thing you need to take into account before starting a courtship is to be able to figure out yourself. Not because you want to have a boyfriend or girlfriend or because you feel in love you should really start it. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
Am I ready for a relationship?
How is your spiritual maturity? Your relationship with the Lord? Your own domain? How anchored in Christ is your identity? It also has practical questions: How far along in my studies am I? How much time do I have to invest in a courtship and next marriage? Am I earning enough money to be able to pay for outings and dinners for two?
Does God want me to start a relationship?
You may think it cliché, but it amazes me how many Christians go about their day without consulting the Lord, like practical atheists. Instead of continuing to take steps toward a relationship, go before the Lord and ask Him, Lord, am I ready? Is this the right person? Is this the right time? Is this the proper way? May God free us from making decisions without consulting him.
Do my parents want me to start a relationship?
In Latin America, the majority of singles live without having made that “he will leave his father and mother, and join his wife…”. Therefore, it is important to know their opinion on this, especially if our parents are believers. They have invested their life, time, money, and love in you, and they know and love you possibly more than anyone else in the world. Therefore, go to them before proceeding further.
How long would this relationship take to lead to marriage? This is a key question. As we already mentioned, the Bible does not present a specific time that the courtship should last. But the Bible is full of warnings against fornication, and the longer the dating relationship, the more potential for temptation. The purpose of dating can be perfectly fulfilled in a year – you definitely don’t need 5. That’s why I strongly recommend against entering a relationship before college or just entering college. In fact, I have several pastor friends who have had long dating relationships: none of them recommend it.
Randy Alcorn says it well: “In our culture, the unprecedented combination of youth free time, money, transportation, the license to be alone for long hours late at night—plus the long time between puberty and marriage—have proven to be overwhelming temptations for many, including Christians.”
A couple more things that are important to take into account before starting a courtship:
Surround yourself with brothers in faith
This provides real intimacy with those who are intimate with the Lord, which helps you so that the decision to find a partner is not out of desperation. In addition, it provides you with a multitude of advisors when evaluating couples; And, why not, it also provides you with a better group of candidates when it comes to starting a relationship.
If you are committed to Jesus, find someone committed to Jesus.
It is evident that a Christian should not seek a courtship with a non-Christian, from what the apostle Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 6:14-16
“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers, for what association have righteousness and wickedness? Or what communion hath light with darkness? Or what harmony has Christ with Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?
A courtship is not a marriage, but its purpose is to reach that union. Therefore, we should not be preparing to marry someone who does not love the Lord. There are many contexts in which we can evangelize; courtship is not one of them. God does not call anyone to a missionary courtship.
I would still recommend that you seek a relationship with someone who is mature in faith, as you should be. This will be of great encouragement when it comes to raising children, and it will avoid many discouragements during the wedding and life.
4. During courtship
Whether you entered into a relationship with all of these biblical principles in mind or not, let me give you some practical advice that I hope will help you glorify God in your relationship.
Make a purity pledge
Of course, this is first of all a call to flee from fornication. It has always struck me that the Lord commands us to resist the devil (James 4: 7) but he tells us to flee from fornication (1 Cor. 6:18). Let me remind you that this person could end up being a lifelong friend, or maybe end up married to your best friend. Don’t do anything with him or her that would cause you embarrassment or discomfort if you end up being the best man or bridesmaid at his or her wedding.
In this sense, avoid being in places alone. That includes the car or car. Agree to go only from here to there and never stay alone there. There is nothing shameful about asking someone else to accompany you; rather, it is glorious, for it shows his desire to please God. As Randy Alcorn says: “Dating is a time to explore the mind, not the body.”
Avoid fast-moving relationships and intimacy…