People are looking for marriage in more ways than ever. With advances in technology and communication, dating is also changing. The goals and principles for dating remain the same, but sometimes the players are more important and meet through websites, such as eHarmony, or social networks, such as Facebook, or simply through networks of long-distance friends. .
My wife and I went long distance for two years: 1,906 miles and two time zones apart.
Any dating couple, whether they are next door neighbors or an international heartthrob, should Search clarity and postpone The intimacy. The grand prize in marriage is Christ-centered intimacy; the grand prize in dating is Christ-centered clarity. We all do well to make decisions by going out with that reality in mind. However, since long-distance relationships present special challenges, they require special wisdom.
Long distance dating is the worst
If you have friends who have dated long distance, you have friends who have complained about dating long distance. In long-distance dating, you won’t have the regular, daily time together that same-town relationships have: fewer nights out, fewer errands, less time together with mutual friends, fewer shared experiences that feel like a lifetime. normal. It’s hard because you want to be with this person, but it also makes discernment especially hard.
“Every dating couple should seek clarity and postpone intimacy.”
Long distance will not feel as real as dating in the same city. You’re plugging into the cracks of life, often reporting after all the day’s action is done. You’re trying to make the headlines (exciting and discouraging) feel real to your boyfriend or girlfriend, but as much as they care about you, they’re not there.
How can you develop clarity about doing everyday life with them for the rest of your days if you never get to savor everyday life with them now on dates? Partial integration of a boyfriend or girlfriend into your life is certainly helpful in imagining what full integration might look like.
Long distance dating is the best
That said, I wish everyone could date long distance. I am in no way opposed to unions in the same city, but am recommending long distance dating whenever God connects the dots, especially in our day. The costs were real and felt for us, but the benefits, especially for Christians, are real and lasting.
If you have friends who have dated in the same city, chances are you have friends who have struggled with sexual impurity. It may not be every couple’s battle, but anyone in premarital counseling will tell you that it’s extremely common. Long-distance dating doesn’t eliminate temptation in this area (presumably you’ll be spending at least a few weekends in the same city), but it greatly limits it.
Much energy in the same city attractions is expended in the daily struggle to curb urges toward sexual intimacy (after all, sex is the proper culmination of all Christian courtship when courtship ends in marriage). That fight is much more focused and occasional when the relationship is long-distance. In an age where sexual immorality is excused, celebrated, and even legislated for, these benefits couldn’t be sweeter.
Another great blessing in long distance dating is lots and lots of forced communication. In these relationships, spending time “together” usually means talking to each other on the phone. It eliminates the need to dress up and impress each other. Eliminate nights and nights of just watching TV or movies. You really talk, and talk and talk.
If clarity is your shared dating goal, and if healthy communication is a priority for your marriage (and it should be), then there’s nothing better you can do together than just talk.
Tips for long distance
From my experience, then, and from speaking with several other people who have recently dated long-distance, here are three tips for those seeking clarity toward marriage from afar.
1. Be more skeptical about your feelings.
Long-distance dating is easier in some ways (less intrusive and often less demanding on a day-to-day basis). However, that shouldn’t make Christians slack off on dating, because the stakes are high. Ironically, we may need to be more intentional and vigilant. In seeking a marriage among sinners, beware of anything that is too easy.
“The fight for sexual purity is much more focused and occasional when the relationship is long distance.”
They will probably learn more about each other than if they lived in the same city, because they will talk more. However, it’s also easier to hide it on long-distance dates. In a same-town relationship, you’re likely to see things about each other that you wouldn’t easily admit over the phone. If you get married, you will realize that you did not know each other as well as you thought.
My advice: be slower in declaring clarity about the future in a long-distance relationship. Obstacles should keep us from rushing into the decision to get married. Be skeptical of the romantic euphoria you feel after a month of late night talks or your first two weekends together. Give yourself more time to get to know each other. Plan trips to spend time with people in each other’s lives. Be honest about the limitations of technology alone, as great as technology can be for dating, in developing a relationship and discerning the other’s readiness to marry.
2. Try harder to get to know each other’s friends.
Community is absolutely and undeniably critical in Christian dating (or any other vocation in life). Just like in any other area of your Christian life, you need the body of Christ when thinking about who to date, how to date, and when to marry. If you are deciding how to serve, where to work, or whom to marry without your Christian brothers and sisters helping you make those decisions, you are doing it foolishly (Hebrews 3:12–13; Proverbs 3:5). An essential part of God’s means of confirming the desires of our hearts, of confirming what the Spirit is doing in us and in our relationships, is the church, the community of believers in our lives.
Long Distance Dating really complicates this dynamic in dating. People are already reluctant to go out of their way to include other people in their love life, even in a same-town relationship. It’s inconvenient, but it’s also crucial. And it’s that much more challenging when your networks of friends are miles and miles apart.
Get creative and also “hang out” with some people in other people’s lives, not necessarily one on one, but work to get to know them and be known by them. Someone who loves you and Jesus should know you both (individually and as a couple) well enough to agree with you that you should get married. Prioritize and initiate this on your long distance dates.
3. Don’t think you don’t need limits.
“Boundaries are important in any unmarried relationship, because God loves you and wants the best for you.”
Boundaries are important in any unmarried relationship, because God loves you and wants the best for you. He did not create you to recklessly give your heart away without a covenant. While spontaneous plunges into intimacy look great in chick flicks and feel great in the moment, they breed shame, regret, mistrust, and emptiness. Boundaries are necessary because on the road to marriage and its consummation, the appetite for intimacy only grows as you feed it.
Distance does not remove sexual temptation. In fact, for many, the temptation will be much stronger when they are together. We foolishly try to physically make up for lost time, as if we owe each other something. Anticipate that and speak before the trip about how you will avoid temptation and how you will deal with it when it comes. Also, be careful about trying to experiment with sexual intimacy together through technology. Pictures and words can be just as dangerous to our hearts as touching them.
However, boundaries are not just to guard against sexual immorality. Boundaries build trust. When we set clear standards and expectations in dating, and then live up to those standards and expectations, we say we will do the same in marriage. That is true in sexual purity and in a hundred other ways.
Other questions to ask about limits include:
- How often is it healthy to talk?
- How long is it healthy to talk each night?
- What kinds of conversations should we have at each stage of the relationship?
- When is it loving to say “I love you”?
- When Is it safe to talk about marriage? How will we take care of ourselves when we talk about marriage?
- How often should we visit each other?
- How will we protect our purity during those short and often most romantic days together?
By anticipating these and other questions, you’ll sacrifice some of the adrenaline rush of spontaneity, but you’ll also protect each other on dates and cultivate the treasure of trust. .
With patience, you will preserve and multiply your pleasures in marriage. Spontaneity is an important flavor in dating and marriage, but marriage is fueled by fidelity and reliability, not surprise. Agree on some real, objective boundaries, even if they feel arbitrary at first, and stick with it.