Have you ever felt like your marriage is adrift, with no one to steer the boat? Know something is wrong but no one shows up to tell you exactly what the problem is or exactly what is needed to fix the problems? Has she tried to get help but it seems too little, too late?
Terry and Stephen find themselves in that situation, both feeling helpless and hopeless. They both blame the other for their marital problems, and yet they both also feel that someone needs to step in and guide them down the path to healing.
Married for fifteen years and with two young children at home, they have been fighting on and off for the duration of their marriage. Like many others who come to me for help, they have been to therapy several times with little change.
Terry has reached a critical point. He decided to separate in the hope that he could “catch his breath.” She wanted more than that, of course. She wanted to break free from the incessant bickering in the hope that she could determine a healthier direction for her marriage.
Terry and Sid are normal. They are typical of most couples struggling to find direction. They both feel discouraged and desperate for answers. However, the opinions they have received from pastors, marriage counselors, doctors and friends confuse them. The direction they have received is contradictory and unclear. Also, they both feel that no one has really investigated the inner workings of their marriage or mentioned the problems and severity of it.
Terry and Stephen are now separated and I am consulting with both of them individually. Terry refuses to go back to marriage counseling and Stephen is desperate to save her marriage. Terry wants time to reflect and consider his options.
Why should you try Christian marriage counseling?
“I’ve tried counseling,” Terry told me in a phone consultation. “No one can tell me exactly what to do. All I know is that we weren’t making progress and I can’t live that way any longer.”
“What guidance have they given you?” -I asked for.
“I’ve been told a lot of different things,” he said. “There really is no one who has stepped in to guide me. My friends support me and my parents tell me that I shouldn’t have to live this way.”
Talking to Stephen, he tells the same story.
“She is intent on separating, and I don’t know exactly what I should do to save our marriage. I’m willing to do anything, but she won’t talk to me anymore. She wants space, so all I can do is wait.”
“But waiting alone won’t save your marriage, Stephen,” I said. “There are issues in your marriage that need attention. Waiting is highly unlikely to provide clarity and direction.”
In separate conversations with Stephen and Terry, I recommended the therapeutic healing process. I described the following scenario:
“I will be meeting with you two for several hours, taking a full history and coming to a conclusion about what you add to the problems in the marriage. I’ll hear you share what you think you do to sabotage intimacy, as well as what you think your partner does that creates problems. I will bring my experience to bear on what I hear and what I think needs to happen. Then we will meet with the purpose of healing those wounds and learning to speak to each other in a healthy way. After several individual and couple sessions, using new skills, both of you will be in a better position to decide how you want to proceed. At a minimum we will have a clear direction for your marriage, and at a maximum we will have direction and healing for the wounds created in your marriage.”
While talking with Terry and Stephen, I reminded them of the biblical truths that we had to follow.
“Solomon nailed it,” I said, “when he said there are seven things the Lord hates. I would like to suggest that these seven things be avoided at all costs: the haughty eyes, the lying tongue, the hands that shed innocent blood, the heart that devises wicked plans, the feet that are quick to rush into evil, the false witness that spills lies and a person who provokes conflicts in the community.” (Proverbs 6:16-19)
Both agreed that these truths would be a backdrop for our work. Terry was particularly cautious but willing to continue.
“We really haven’t had that kind of direction,” he eagerly shared. “I don’t want to fight him anymore. I can’t stand it. I’m willing to try.”
“There will be no fights, Terry,” I said. “Our sessions will be very structured and you will both agree to pray and listen to each other.”
Stephen was hopeful and wanted to continue. We present the following guidelines:
What does Christian marriage counseling require?
First, they would both come to counseling sessions in a spirit of humility and openness for the purpose of healing.
We agreed that these sessions No they are marriage counseling per se. Rather, it would be a time to examine hearts, attitudes, and behaviors that have created hurts. They would each have an opportunity to share their part in the problems in the marriage and what they believed their partner contributed to the problems. We would step back, so to speak, to look openly at each person’s part in creating the wounds in the marriage;
Second, we would examine the truth regarding your marital problems.
Looking at the history of your marriage, with each person owning their part, we would examine the truth of the marriage problems. We would assume that both had been hurt and both needed the other’s healing;
Third, we would work together to heal the wounds.
Both agreed to proceed with the understanding that they had hurt the other and would take responsibility for contributing to their partner’s healing. Each would agree to do her part to help her spouse heal and would also seek wise counsel to heal the character issues that contributed to the problems in her marriage;
Fourth, we would hold each other accountable for individual change.
Together we agreed to meet for several two hour sessions to do ‘healing work’. They agreed to come to Therapeutic Healing Process ready to acknowledge their part in marital problems and the impact they have had on their spouse. They agreed to follow my guidance and that of any other professionals involved in the healing process;
Finally, we would draw up a plan to follow.
After therapeutic healing process we would develop a plan to follow. They both agreed to seek clarity and truth and use that truth to develop a plan in the future. They both agreed to use the truths that emerged from this process to develop a plan for the future of their marriage.
What to expect from Christian marriage counseling
First, you must receive clarity.
Scripture tells us that the truth will set us free, after it hurts, of course (John 8:32). Truth brings clarity and clarity helps us make critical decisions. You need to work with someone who will help you understand your situation and the truth of it. They must be willing to say harsh things to you and you must invite them to do so.
Second, you must receive and feel compassion.
We all need to feel cared for before we care what you want to say. You should work with someone who has a heart to help you save your marriage and who cares about you. You must feel and feel that they are willing to work hard for you and your marriage. You must feel their concern and compassion.
Third, you must receive courage.
It is difficult to make decisions that will radically improve our lives. We must have an inner conviction and courage to move forward with those convictions. We need cheerleaders, cheerleaders to help us make those tough decisions. Your marriage counselor must care enough and be wise enough to encourage change.
Finally, you must receive a course of action.
It’s not that your marriage counselor tells you what to do, but that he or she will help you discern a wise direction for your life. Couples need action plans, a clear direction, that takes them out of their chaotic life and into a healthy and vibrant relationship.
(excerpt from 4 things to expect from your marriage counselor)
How to Find a Christian Marriage Counselor
Here are some questions to ask and things to consider when you begin your search for a marriage counselor. Don’t be surprised if it takes a few visits to find out if the person is right for you. You must feel comfortable and safe with the person who will work with you.
First, ask some basic credential-related questions: What type of license do you have and from what state? (The license must be from the state licensing board, not a counseling association, and must be from the state in which they practice.) Do you have an accredited degree? What other memberships and professional associations do you belong to?
First, find a counselor who is competent.
Just as you would do your research before going to a doctor, do the same due diligence when seeking marriage counseling. Not only do you want a highly educated counselor (with at least a master’s degree), you also want someone who is trained and particularly interested in marriage counseling. While most counselors say they provide marriage counseling, very few receive specialized training in the field. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about your interest in the field, experience, and specific questions about your rate of success. Look for a marriage counselor who has a specific protocol for marriage counseling and you feel safe with him.
Second, determine your counselor’s attitude toward marriage.
Again, don’t be afraid to ask about their position on marriage. Do they actively promote divorce? Do they actively promote marriage? What are your beliefs and how are they developed in the marriage counseling process? Some counselors are ‘neutral’ about the marriage and do not actively try to ‘save a marriage’. Instead, if there is too much conflict in the marriage, they will encourage separation and divorce. to ‘find out what’s wrong with the marriage’. With this training and guidance, they tell you everything they see that is wrong with your marriage. Of course, this only makes matters worse if this advice is not combined with observing and developing the strengths of your marriage. Your counselor takes notes and helps you take note of what you are doing well in your marriage. What are the ties that unite them in a healthy way?
Fourth, find a counselor willing to offer clear and specific guidance.
If you could figure out how to get out of your jam on your own, you wouldn’t need a counselor. Sitting with a counselor who only listens thoughtfully can make you feel good…