”So whether you eat, drink, or do anything else, do it all for the glory of God.”, 1 Corinthians 10:31
If I had a penny for every time someone sat on my couch crying about a recent breakup, I think I’d be a rich man by now. I pastor a very young church (average age is 28 years). As a general rule of thumb, if we keep a group of single men and women in the same building, they will usually spend time together and eventually get married. Therefore, “Who should I date?” or, “Who should I marry?” They are regular conversations in my day to day.
Not all relationships end in marriage. And unfortunately, Christians can often look like the world when it comes to a breakup. Ignoring each other. Gossiping about your ex. Yearning for another person. Fighting bitterness or struggling to get over the pain of loss. Giving quick peeks at each other’s Facebook page or Instagram account. (Have you forgotten about me? Does it still hurt her like it hurts me?).
If the gospel really makes a difference in our lives, it must manifest itself at the worst of times. But if Christian dating is no different from the world’s then our faith appears to be relatively worthless.
What would it mean to break for the glory of God? Really. How do you end the relationship in a way that honors God and the other person, especially since he or she is a brother or sister in Christ?
13 things to remember:
1. Remember that we live in a fallen world.
There is no such thing as a risk free date. Proverbs 13:12 reminds us that “hope delayed makes the heart sick, but a wish fulfilled is a tree of life.” When there is a break up, there is often at least one that everything will still work out for the best and holds out that hope. Although we wish it weren’t, we have to have realistic expectations and ultimately place our hope not in the person we’re dating, but in the God who never fails.
two. Let your “yes” be “yes” and your “no” be “no.”
Don’t beat around the bush. If you know you need to break up, it’s better to take that burden off yourself and move on. That doesn’t mean you have to be cruel; we are still called to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) and speak only with those words that build and are appropriate (Ephesians 4:29).
3. Talk in person, not by email, Twitter, Facebook, or phone.
This is a simple way to honor the other and provide space for questions or dialogue.
Four. Don’t see the breakup as a one-sided problem.
Often the person breaking off the relationship has taken a long time to think, come to their conclusions, and then vent and walk away. Do not do that. There are times when it is helpful to leave space for purposeful conversation, giving the “dumped” a chance to listen and process a bit. There may be questions or things to discuss after all. Some people have their feet firmly on the ground, others don’t.
5. Be gentle and loving in your ending.
The worst thing one can do is throw rocks and blame it on the other person, not just making them feel sad about the lost relationship, but making them feel guilty, as if this was somehow their fault. Even in the act of breaking up, one needs to be attentive, kind, and loving to the other person (Ephesians 4:1-3; Colossians. 4:6; Titus 3:2). After all, he or she is a child of God, and is loved by God, so what gives you the right to treat them differently than God does? If you’re not sure how to do this, find a godly, middle-aged Christian woman or Christian and ask her for help.
6. Don’t use the advice of a pastor, close friend, parent, or counselor as a trump card.
“I talked to so-and-so about this, and he (or she) thinks we should break up.” It’s tempting to do this instead of taking responsibility for yourself. When it comes to deciding who to marry or not, we need to take advice, however, we must remember that ultimately this is a decision for each person to make. If you agree with the advice you receive, take it and adapt it to your liking.
7. Fight bitterness (Hebrews 12:15).
When our hopes about the relationship are shattered, it’s tempting to replay the details over and over in our minds until it gets worse. What can we do to fight bitterness? (Take a look at lines 8, 9 and 10).
8. Assume the best of the other person’s motives.
1 Corinthians 13:7 reminds us that love “suffers everything, believes everything, hopes for everything, endures everything.” We cannot look into someone’s heart, judge their motives, and conclude that they are acting maliciously. Take the best of them.
9. Preach yourself the truth.
For example, when you find yourself struggling with the temptation of bitterness, you can let go of resentment because God is just and just—there’s no need to take revenge into your own hands. Paul writes in Romans 12:19, 21: “Beloved, never take revenge yourselves, but give place to the wrath of God, for it is written: “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. . . Do not be defeated by evil, but overcome evil with good.” We can forgive by remembering how God has forgiven us in Christ, as we see in Ephesians 4:32, “Be rather kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.”
10. Find your identity in Christ, not in the lost relationship.
“I would have fainted, if I had not believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; strive and encourage your heart. Yes, wait on the Lord” (Psalm 27:13-14). youWe have to remember that, as in the relationship as a couple, our identity is in Christ (we are not defined by this relationship or by the fact that we are claimed), therefore, even in the breakup… this broken relationship will not define us . Most of the church isn’t going to be thinking about it as much as you are, so when people ask how you’re doing, feel free to share the other things that are going on, as there’s probably a lot to talk about. You should even be careful to only talk to a couple of close friends about the details of how you are proceeding or struggling, just to be protective and constructive in your discussion of the other person involved in the breakup.
eleven. Remember our responsibility to do good to all Christians, even your ex boyfriend or girlfriend.
It’s normal (and sometimes necessary) for your relationship to look exactly the same as it did before the engagement. It’s okay to distance yourself or set some boundaries in order to protect your heart—take a little time. On the other hand, you have a responsibility to do good to that person as your brother or sister in Christ. Paul says in Colossians 3:13, “bear with one another and forgive each other if anyone has a complaint against another. Forgive as the Lord forgave them.” This includes an ex boyfriend or girlfriend, especially if it is your heart that was hurt.
12. Don’t assume that after you break up, you have to go to another church.
It is possible to stay in the same church with the person who was once your fiancee or fiancé. There are far too many people who assume they have to go out because of how awkward this is initially. It is easier to run away and avoid the other than to do the hard work of living “in peace” with others. Over time (sometimes years later), they can become friends again. It’s okay to go to another church, but we don’t want to assume that it’s the only real thing to do after a breakup.
13. Remember that no matter how painful the breakup may be, God is using this difficult experience to sanctify you.
Paul says in Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” The breaking is included in this phrase “all things.” If you are a Christian, God is using this experience for your good. As harsh as this sounds, he is making you more like his Son, our Lord Jesus Christ. You may not want it right now. With the pain and grief over the lost relationship, what you could want most right now is your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. Or you may want to just wallow in your pain or sadness. But take comfort in the fact that God wants to use this to refine your character through “different” situations (James 1:2) to help you become more like Christ.
The first draft of this post comes from Zach Schlegel, who wrote the ideas we shared for a class we taught together on dating. I have added to and revised your original project.
Matthew 5:37, “But let your speech be: Yes, yes: No, no; because what is more than this, proceeds badly”.
Example for preaching to oneself would be Psalm 42:5; 62:5.
This article was originally published for . Translated by Eddy Garcia.