By Phil Hobizal
Within each of us there is a created need to relate.
God placed that need within each person as a basic need that must be met. Just as hunger, security, and the need to rest must be satisfied, the need to connect pulses through our bodies frequently. Since this is a legitimate need, if we experience rejection and that need goes unmet, it will prompt us to look for something to fill that gap. In a desperate attempt to ensure our well-being, we sometimes make poor decisions in our relationships. We demand too much of our friends or loved ones, or we withdraw in fear of imminent rejection from them. But God has something better.
Let’s consider the threat of rejection, and how it leads us to build a strong defense. Let’s examine how our distorted perceptions of others have led us to fear of being rejected. If we can learn to see others appropriately, and understand that many times “no” does not mean that we are being rejected, we can begin to lower some of those high walls and learn to trust others. Despite our erroneous thinking, God wants to cover us with his grace and equip us with a divine defense system. If we surrender our fears to Him, we will find that comments that previously destroyed us, or caused us to alienate others, now fall off our shoulders and become opportunities for growth.
A created need to relate
Then Jehovah God said: “It is not good for the man to be alone: I will make him a help meet for him.” Genesis 2:18
Although Adam had the company of the Living God and all the animals with which he could spend time, he still felt the need for human contact. That was God’s intention – that we learn and grow in the context of relationships.
Rejection
Because of our need to relate, being accepted and found acceptable is key to a sense of well-being. The reality is that we all experience some rejection. We all get offended, and that never ends. God never promised that in order for us to live in peace and be successful Christians the trials would have to end. Instead, he equipped us to handle those trials and rejections differently, a way that will allow us to stand strong no matter what. The key is how we respond to tests.
Rejection can come from anywhere, but there are a few places where it’s almost guaranteed to happen:
- Our parents (same sex/opposite sex).
- Those in authority (such as teachers, pastors, etc.).
- Our brothers.
- Our peers of the same sex.
- People of the opposite sex.
- Some significant model person.
“I remember when I was 6 years old. I craved my parents’ attention and knowing my worth so badly that I pretended to be depressed. Every minute I was home I walked around with a downcast attitude and isolated myself. My parents didn’t seem to respond. I remember looking in the mirror to make sure my face looked so bad that something was wrong. All I wanted was to know that my parents, especially my father, loved me, that I had value, and that if anything hurt, it would disrupt their world. I wanted them to look for me, to hug me, to tell me that they loved me and that I was worth it. Nothing happened. After three weeks I gave up and decided that I didn’t matter.” Chris S.
building a defense
“As we grow up we are presented with numerous misconceptions about what will satisfy our basic needs for affection, identity, power, love, worth, or competence. As a consequence, some Christians succumb to various temptations, because certain developmental patterns tend to produce different weaknesses in different people. For example, the process of rejection that a homosexual orientation produces leaves the affected person open to particular temptations that others may not find difficult to resist.
Michael Saya, Counseling the Gay (Advising the Homosexual), p. 141-142.
How we respond to experiences of rejection determines their effect on us. Every rejection hurts. It is very valid to feel pain when someone rejects you, and sometimes it is necessary to mourn that loss. But that pain can cause us to set up defenses to avoid the possibility of being hurt in the future.
Some of those defenses are:
- Fear: We respond by walking away.
- Seeking acceptance: We become complacent.
- Rebellion: Doing things our way.
- A wounded spirit: Immersing ourselves in self-pity.
Out of fear of imminent rejection, we may withdraw from relationships and prevent people from getting close enough to hurt us. But that response separates us from others, and prevents our need for connection from being met. If we tire of rejection, but our desire for acceptance remains intact, we may find ourselves trying to please others just to make people happy with us. That creates a false sense of relatedness (since we’re not being ourselves), and our desire for true connection is being substituted for something cheap. This also leaves us feeling dissatisfied and wanting more. If our response to rejection is anger, we may become rebellious and stop caring what others feel and shirk our responsibilities. That attitude makes the connection impossible, since the focus is concentrated on oneself. Finally, if we find ourselves hurt by rejection and refuse to heal from it, we may become mired in self-pity. The focus is once again on ourselves, while we stay on the wrong done against us instead of moving on and letting new relationships fill that gap.
distorted perceptions
Many of our childhood wounds are based on our perception of situations. We can develop a point of view with limited or false information. Unresolved incidents of rejection produce a heightened sense of rejection in the future. We may perceive that we are being rejected without it being true. In a way, we come to expect it, and even when we don’t get it, we come to believe that rejection is what we’re going to get. This may cause us to act in inappropriate ways. If we are not being rejected, but act as if we are, this is the wrong response, and it will prevent us from relating.
We may find ourselves going through cycles that only perpetuate our inappropriate responses.
These cycles may look like:
When we find ourselves rejected, it makes us question our worth. If we have nothing to fight rejection with, we believe it and start rejecting ourselves. If we don’t approve of ourselves, then we won’t want to seek intimacy with others. Our heightened sense of rejection leads us to find fault with others. And there is a certain amount of personal elevation that we experience when we identify and disapprove of the faults of others. Unless we can deal with the root and forgive those who hurt us by rejection, we are destined to continue the pattern of self-rejection and eventually the rejection of others.
Jesus knows rejection
Jesus experienced rejection throughout his ministry. His purpose was misunderstood; he did not meet the expectations of the ruling Jewish community. Even his own family did not recognize the call on his life. He faced rejection from all sides, in almost everything he did – there was always someone who disagreed.
Despised and rejected among men, a man of sorrows, experienced in brokenness; and as we hid his face from him, he was despised and we did not esteem him. Isaiah 53:3
Because of that He is the perfect mediator (See Hebrews 5).
Adam and Eve experienced a break in relationship after the fall. Their relationship became obscured by his sinful nature.
When we seek to blame another for our circumstances, this opens the door to manipulation. We learn to manipulate people to get what we want or need instead of freely giving and taking. Once manipulation is understood as the method of interaction, distrust springs up. If we are not treating each other honestly, we cannot trust each other. If we cannot trust, rejection follows naturally.
The covering of grace
God’s intention was to cover our sinful nature with His grace, enabling us to relate correctly. As we come to Him for forgiveness of our own sinful ways of responding to how others have disappointed us, we have access to the grace to forgive them.
If you have tried to forgive people who have hurt you before, you would understand that it is a hard thing to do. It is almost impossible to forgive in our own strength – we need the intervention of God’s grace and peace in order to surrender the wounds that we have accumulated. He wants his people to live lives free from constant hurt and bitterness. If you ask Him, He will help you release those wounds.
our divine defense
As we grow in Christ, He gives us the ability to deflect comments that, in the past, would have devastated us. We have the armor of God as a defense against the fiery darts intended to hurt us (See Ephesians 6).
In the secret of your presence you will hide them from the conspiracy of man; you will put them in your Tabernacle safe from the contention of tongues. Psalm 31:20
Through frequent heart examinations, we can grow in healthy relationships that build us up in Christ, fulfilling our God-given need for relationship.
Connecting in a healthy way is possible, and we have access to the power of God to be able to achieve it.
Taken from the book “Recovering What Belongs to Us” by Phil Hobizal of the Portland Fellowship in Portland, Oregon.
Book available in our bookstore