Few sins have consequences as profound as adultery.
Marriage is a sacred covenant where two people promise to be faithful in all aspects of life. When one marries, one becomes one flesh with one’s spouse and one’s loyalties are aligned with the person one marries. It is true that all sin makes us worthy of God’s wrath, but it is also true that some sins show greater hardness of heart and have greater consequences. Adultery creates very deep wounds and breaks the trust that should exist in a marriage.
The apostle Paul tells us about the seriousness of sexual sin in the following way: “Flee from fornication. All other sins that a man commits are outside the body, but the fornicator sins against his own body” (1 Cor. 6:18). Every believer must take seriously and understand the deep and dire consequences of falling into this sin. Adultery is the complete opposite of the gospel. Adultery says: “Instead of giving my life for you, I sacrifice you to satisfy myself.”
How can we better advise in cases of adultery?
Two people need to be shepherded
Something of the utmost importance when committing this sin is to remember that there is two people who need to be shepherded. On many occasions, emphasis can be placed on one of the two, but it is crucial to be able to help with biblical truths both parts. The gospel has something to say to both the offender and the offended, and it is important that we be diligent in caring for both.
the offender
First of all, you have to discern if the offender shows genuine repentance in order to help you. A person who confesses his sin to others is not the same as the one who was caught in it. On one occasion, a couple called me for counseling. When I asked how I could serve them, the man said, “I have to confess, to you and my wife, that I have been committing adultery.” In that case, walking with him was easier because there was repentance. The Holy Spirit had worked on him through the gospel and had given him true conviction of sin.
On the other hand, when the person is caught in adultery, the first sentence I say is: “Now you are crying, but in the next few weeks your actions will let me know if you are truly sorry.”
Second, I’m letting you know that part of your regret is agreeing to any reasonable request your spouse wishes to make. For example: not putting a password on the cell phone, always letting you know where the person is, or sleeping in another room. These requests are reasonable and the offender should agree without any problem.
For me, one of the evidences that the offender does not understand his offense is when he tries to shift the blame onto the offended party. One way to do it is by blaming the offended party for her sin, saying for example: “He didn’t care for me sexually, it’s very difficult to be with him or her.” Another way is by demanding forgiveness quickly, when the offender says something like this: “If you really forgave me, you shouldn’t ask those things of me.” When I see that kind of behavior, that usually tells me that there is no regret.
The offender has to understand that his job is to gain the offended person’s trust and that he is willing to show him, in any way necessary, that he is sorry. The offended person is called to forgive him, but another thing is to give him his trust again. One of the passages he assigned to meditate on is Psalm 51. In this passage, David is aware of his sin. This leads him to cry out for mercy and appreciate the restoration of his fellowship with God. Until the sinner sees the depth of his fault and that Christ died for that horrendous sin, there will be no true repentance.
Finally, something that I would like to see in the offender is that he wants to protect the offended. On many occasions, when a person sins in this way, he sheds many tears while the offended person is processing the offense and keeping some distance. At that time, the offender should not play the victim but publicly protect his spouse. He must take all the responsibility of protecting the victim, and that this does not become the figure of correction for some (for example, that people with good intentions speak to the offended person about forgiving the sinner just as God forgave us). This could put the victim in a very difficult and uncomfortable position. Therefore, the offender should protect her.
The offended
With the offended person, you begin by listening and crying with him. We seek to help her grieve biblically and find comfort in the gospel. Something I say to the offended in those moments is: “My hope is that the gospel can restore every broken marriage. We will walk this process with you and we will support you no matter what decision you make in the end.”
If a couple wishes to divorce, this is a very controversial issue in the evangelical world. From my perspective, adultery is one of the grounds for dissolving a marriage: “It was also said: ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a bill of divorce.’ But I tell you that everyone who divorces her wife, except because of her infidelity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Mt. 5:31-32). But, although divorce is an option, this does not mean that the gospel cannot restore a marriage.
the grace of the gospel
Do you remember the case I talked about at the beginning, in which the man asked his wife for forgiveness in a counseling session? Many years later, his marriage is still together. I remember the moment when she with tears in her eyes said to her husband: “Because God has forgiven me so many sins, I can forgive you.”
There is grace for marriages. The gospel allows us to forgive the biggest offenses because our offenses have been forgiven. Something that I always communicate to both parties is that perhaps today they cannot be happily married, but if both take a step towards each other, the gospel can restore what was lost step by step.