Fights don’t just happen. People provoke them.
Of course, there are honest disagreements and agreements to disagree, but that is not what the Bible means by quarreling. Quarrels, at least in Proverbs, are unnecessary arguments, the kind honorable men shy away from (Prov. 17:14; 20:3). And the elders too (1 Tim. 3). These fights are not the product of loving rebuke or principled conviction. These disputes arise because people are contentious.
So what does a contentious person look like? What are your distinguishing marks? Here are twelve possibilities.
You could be a contentious person if…
1. You defend each conviction with the same degree of intensity. There are no secondary or tertiary issues. Everything is primary. You have never known a matter for which you would not stick your hand in the fire.
2. You are quick to talk and slow to listen. You rarely ask questions, and when you do, it’s to accuse or continue to make your case. You are not looking to learn, you are looking to defend, dominate, and destroy.
3. Your only model of ministry and fidelity is the confrontation with the prophets of Baal on Mount Carmel. Or the only Jesus you like is the Jesus who drove the money changers out of the temple. These are actual examples in the Scriptures. But the Bible is a book, and sarcasm and whipping are not the normal methods of making a personal intervention.
4. You are unable to see nuances and do not believe in indefinite adjectives. Everything in life is black or white, there is nothing grey.
5. You never give the benefit of the doubt. You don’t try to read arguments in context. You put the worst possible assumption on the motives of others, and favor the least flattering interpretation.
6. You have no secret opinions. Do people know what you think about anything? Should not. That’s why you have a journal, a prayer room, or a dog.
7. You are unable to show empathy to your opponents. You forget that sinners also suffer. You lose the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes.
Contentious people almost always see others in need of rebuke, they rarely see them in need of encouragement.
8. Your first instinct is to criticize; your last instinct is to cheer. Contentious people almost always see others in need of rebuke, they rarely see them in need of encouragement.
9. You have a small grid, and everything must fit on it. You see life through a small prism where you already know what it’s all about. It’s all a matter of social justice. Everything is related to the regulative principle. It’s all Obama’s fault. It’s all about Trump. It’s all about the feminists. Or the patriarchy. Or how my parents ruined my life. When all you have is a hammer, the rest of the world looks like a nail.
10. You derive a sense of spiritual satisfaction and security from constantly feeling rejected. We don’t want to blame the victims, but some people are constitutionally incapable of existing except as part of the remnant. They must be chased. They must be slandered. They don’t know how to live in times of peace, only in war.
11. You’re always in the trenches with hand grenades strapped to your chest, never in the cafeteria with ice cream and a game of table tennis. I remember talking to a soldier in church years ago, who sheepishly told me that his job in Iraq was to lead an armed convoy for the ice cream truck. It was extremely dangerous to escort the vehicle through the bomb-infested territory. This was a brave and honorable job. And important: even soldiers need ice cream from time to time. The amp doesn’t have to be on 11 all the time. Seriousness about God is not the same as a pathological seriousness about all things. Remember GK Chesterton: “We have to feel the universe as an ogre’s castle about to be stormed, and at the same time as our own cabin to which we can return at nightfall.”
12. You have never changed your mind. If you have not changed your mind on an important matter, I wonder if you are a Christian or even if you are alive. Of course, the truth never changes, and neither should many of our convictions. But contentious people stir up fights because, since they know everything, they don’t need to listen, learn, or ask questions.
Do you identify with something? Look at Christ. He has the power to change us and has made provisions to forgive us. Through the death of the Prince of Peace we can be at peace with God and at peace with each other.
Originally posted on . Translated by Sergio Paz.